3 Words

I've always been a stubborn person.  I get it from both sides of my family.  It's genetic.  My power to hold a grudge? Not one of my finest qualities.  Several months ago, God called me to apologize to some people that I didn't even realize I needed to apologize to.  I fought it for a few days, but he kept pushing it in my face.  After I did it, the weight that was lifted from my heart was amazing.  I realized I didn't need to hold onto grudges, I just needed to learn to apologize and move on.  I've become a lot more forthcoming with my "I'm sorry's" in recent months.

The kiddos at school love playing the game Sorry.  The devilish glee in their eyes when they draw a Sorry card is an indicator that they are anything BUT sorry that they are sending one of their game mates back to start.  The game should really be called Anti-Sorry.  But, the game does tell them exactly what they should be sorry for.  Sometimes we need a big blinking sign in front of our face when we are supposed to say sorry.  God telling me to apologize was my Sorry card.  Unlike the game, I had to mean what I said.

I thought I had a pretty good grasp on this offering forgiveness thing, but I realized I was missing a huge component.

Sometimes the hardest thing is to ask for forgiveness for yourself.  Saying those three words, "Please forgive me" can be so difficult.  It can feel selfish.  It can be embarrassing.  It can make you feel out of control because you don't know if forgiveness is on the other end.



I tend to over analyze things.  If I just would have done _____________ my marriage would have been better.  If I'd just been able to ______________________ I'd still be married.  I've spent a lot of time playing the blame myself game which has resulted in sleepless nights and a lot of anxiety.

One of my favorite books, Jesus is ______. by Judah Smith explains grace so beautifully.  We get so wrapped up in what we think we deserve that we forget what God has already given us.  Grace comes with no strings attached.  It's already been given.  One of the things that Judah writes that changed how I think was that there is nothing I can do to make God love me any less or any more than he already does.  He loves me unconditionally.  His grace is there - I just have to accept it.

I'm too hard on myself and that needs to stop.  I need to remember that instead of beating myself up over things, I need to ask for forgiveness and bask in his grace.  Accepting his grace can only strengthen our faith and relationship with the Lord.  When we realize he just wants what's best for us, we need only ask, our worries will vanish.  Our hearts will feel whole again.  We have to get over the idea that asking for forgiveness makes us weak or selfish.  He wants to give it!

This is a lesson I am still learning.  That I still struggle with on a daily basis.  Because it relies solely on me, it can be hard.  But, I can say I never regret asking for forgiveness.  From God.  From my friends.  From my family.  Sometimes even strangers.  If we all used "please forgive me" a little more, we'd be a little better off - don't you think?

A Time for Thanks

The holiday season is fast approaching.  It is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of Christmas due to all the decorations and music and shopping which start earlier and earlier each year, but I like to relish in the season of Thanksgiving as well.  It is my favorite holiday.  No worrying about the perfect decor.  No need to buy gifts.  Just food and family.  And giving thanks.
2013 hasn't been my favorite year, but I do not want to forget all the things that I have to be thankful for even in the hardest times of my life.  I may be a little worn and need a fresh start, but I want to remember all the joy.

My Family
They have been my rock.  My literal and figurative shoulder to cry on.  A resource of endless encouragement and love.  My morning grandma advice sessions, afternoon chit chats with pops, the random check-in calls from my brother, and ability to call my mom whenever and wherever I need to.  They have supported me along this journey in every way imaginable and continue to push me to be the best version of myself possible.

My Friends
From friends who I've known my whole life to friends who are a little more recently made, I have had a support network that spans long distances and many age groups.  I appreciate their wisdom, their random emails/texts/phone calls/visits that let me know how much they care and want what's best for me and my future.

My Besties
Stephanie was there for me before he fully made it out the door.  She has seen me at my worse.  My ugly cries (oh yes - I can cry REAL ugly).  My sleepless nights.  My moments of complete fear.  She's been there for them all and still loves me and continues to push me to be better.  Katrina has been a fount of advice and timely laughter.  Even so far away, she is one of my nearest and dearest.  If friends can be soul-mates, she's it.

My Bible Study
These ladies didn't know me from Adam until 4 days before my world fell apart.  And they have been there for me ever since.  The friendships I have gained by joining this group are priceless.  Having a network of Godly women who listen to your prayer requests and encourage you spiritually is something I never knew I would need, but I am so glad to have them now.  They send me messages of encouragement just when I seem to need them most.  They also know how to gently steer me in the right direction whenever I get off the path.

My Home
Having to leave behind the house I so carefully plotted and planned for.  So meticulously decorated.  The house I actually put physical and manual labor into because I cared about it.  Well, it was hard.  It was my home and even though I was only in it a year, I'd become attached.  I was so fearful of finding somewhere to live where I felt as comfortable.  God has provided for me a home that comes with an amazing family and I am blessed by them daily.  I never knew I could love little kids so much!  I enjoy their fellowship and our growing friendship.  I will be eternally grateful to them for opening their home to a complete stranger and making me feel more than welcome.

My Job
I have never dreaded going to work.  I may have not wanted to get up for the sake of not wanting to climb out of my warm cozy bed, but never because I couldn't face walking through the doors and performing my duties as a teacher.  I love my job.  I love love love my co-workers.  I love my kiddos.  I couldn't ask for a better job or place to work.
There are countless other things I have to be grateful for, but these are at the top of my list right now.  I hope you enjoy this next week and find time to reflect on all you have to be thankful for!

At the Well

Through this whole divorce process, one of the things I seem to get hung up on the most is how people will perceive me.  The majority of people who hear I went through a divorce are supportive and offer kind words, but there will always be the people who choose to look at me differently or judge my situation.  Most people don't ask the reasons and it isn't information I offer up to just anybody.  Therefore, there are going to be people who believe what they want to believe.  Think what they want to think.  Things will be misunderstood.  It bugs me.  Sometimes I worry how it can affect my future carrying around the divorced label.

This week in my Bible study, we are reading John 4.  I did not expect to have an emotional breakdown in Target while on the phone to my mom relaying how this passage so hit me square in the heart.

Here's a woman going about her daily business.  A stranger approaches her and knows her life story.  The ugly truth of her love life.  It's a mess.  Definitely a bigger mess than my situation.  He spoke to her and she believed and he used her to spread the news.

He used her.  She had 5 marriages.  And a guy on the side.  And he didn't judge her.  He used to her further his kingdom, all because she believed.

Instead of focusing on what other people are going to think (and are those people whose opinion I should give any weight to in the first place?), I want to focus on the story God has given me to share.  A story that starts out as a bit of a downer, but turns into a story of redemption and grace.  A story I never thought I'd be able to tell, but one that I know is going to strengthen my testimony.  The people in John 4 believed that Christ had come because she had witnessed him speaking truths to her only the Messiah could know.  I've gone through the wringer and learned some truths of my own.

I think people, as a whole, get pretty wrapped up in the judging/being judged trap.

God has forgiven me the mistakes I've made.  I need to stop judging myself.  I need to turn away from all the negative self talk that leads to worry and focus on the future story that he is writing for me right this minute.  He is taking my weaknesses and turning them into my strengths.

I'm stepping up to the well.