Monday Encouragement

Some days you just need to start off with a little extra encouragement.

At Least it Wasn't a Whale

Sometimes, God asks us to do things we don't really want to do.  No, he doesn't ask me to clean my room or do the dishes.  He doesn't call me up and say, "Hey Becky, can you make dinner reservations for 8:00?"  When God asks me to do something, it's a little niggling feeling in my heart.  Sometimes it is something I'm fully prepared to jump on board with.  Other times, I turn my back and kind of hope it just goes away.  Which is rare.  God is persistent.  With a capital P.  In my Bible study, we are studying Jonah and when my Bible study leader asked if anyone had anything they were running from, I just sat there and thought, nope - not me.  I mean seriously, I have been pretty transparent about my life situation so it wasn't like I felt the need to hide something.  But, when I got home....there was that little feeling.  Why yes Becky.  You have been running from something.  I've asked you to pray for someone and you haven't been doing it.

Now, this may not seem like that hard of a task.  But, for me, praying for this person seemed impossible.  I laid in bed unable to sleep and finally I kind of did the ok you win thing and started praying.  Within minutes I was in the midst of an anxiety attack, was crying my eyes out because I missed my house (which is really weird since I LOVE where I am living), and I ended up getting no sleep that night and woke up with the start of a migraine.

That's how I knew I was supposed to have been praying for this person all along, because the devil sure didn't want me to be doing it now.  I felt attacked and worn and completely battered for having followed God's directions.  It felt like the devil was going to throw everything at me to keep me from wanting to continue praying for this person, even though it was obvious God wanted me to.

Going to work the next day, I felt like I'd been swallowed by a whale a spit back out - I especially like how my Bible version says "And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land."  Paints a pretty picture, right?  It felt like a day where I would be just scraping through until I could go home and crawl into bed.  The song, "Worn," was playing on repeat in my head and the day hadn't even fully begun.

That morning, I received a really uplifting message from a friend I hadn't heard from in quite some time.  My math group that I just hadn't been able to get a hang of all year, worked like clockwork.  The weather cooperated for an enjoyable recess duty.  I received a message that I didn't have to worry about dinner.  I ended up with an afternoon break when I don't normally get one.  Sure, I felt like I'd done battle the night before, but God was there picking up the pieces and getting me through.  Showing he's faithful.  Showing me that having  a little faith in his plans, even the ones I don't want to follow, result in blessings.  By the end of the day, I had a new song in my head.

Lessons from a 3 year old

5 Months ago I posted a picture to my Instagram while I was out for a run.  Anyone who knows me would say, "so what?"  I post lots of pictures to Instagram.  This picture was a little different.

I captioned it "Sometimes you have to run through the storm."  I didn't know that 10 minutes after I took this picture, my world would collapse.  It wasn't just a storm, but a flood.  There were times it left me on the floor, crying, in pain, and feeling extremely lost.  I stopped running.  All my physical strength was gone.  My emotional strength wasn't so great either.  But, my spiritual strength was getting a kick in the pants and the jump start it needed.

This summer was the hardest summer of my life, but for the first time I learned how to go through those hard times leaning on God.  I didn't have the strength to rely on myself.

I'm pretty sure God could care less how many physical miles I can run (and let's face it, he really isn't going to be impressed with MY mileage).  Running used to be a way of escape.  A time to turn off.  God wanted me to turn on.  Run to him.   Slowly, my strength returned.  Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.  I've started running again, but it has a much better purpose than it had in the past.

A season of my life is over.  The past couple weeks have been really hard.  I've moved.  Signed papers I never thought I'd have to sign.  But God is still faithful and so very present.  The flood waters are starting to recede.

A friend introduced me to a song early on in the summer and it kind of became my go to when I just needed a moment.





Now, you are probably starting to wonder where the 3 year old comes in at this point.  This week there has been a great debate in the house.  3 year old asked the question, "Would you rather be able to fly or walk on water?"  Naturally, all the adults in the house chose being able to fly.  The 3 year old could not be swayed to change his decision of being able to walk on water.  He didn't necessarily have a reason for why he chose walking on water, he just knew that was his choice and he was sticking to it.

I've started running again.  I almost skipped my run tonight because I had a really off day and my heart was feeling really heavy for some people I really love.  Normally I take my iPod which has a pre-planned running playlist on it. Tonight I took my iPhone and let it play at will.  Oceans came on and during the bridge I couldn't help but laugh.

Hey 3 year old, is it too late to change my answer?

How divorce saved my life

This season of my life was never included in MY plans.  You don't get married thinking well this will be great for X amount of years and then move on to the next thing.  I do not take what is happening in my life lightly at all.  But, God doesn't love when a person is prideful.  Or boastful.  And he certainly doesn't like it when we turn our backs on him and place things in our life before him.  I was full of myself with little room left for him.

Then my marriage was gone.

I would have been so easy to start asking WHY ME?  But God knew this was going to happen.  That it needed to happen.  Four days before my world fell apart, he gave me a Bible study group.  I had been asked to join at least half a dozen time by my best friend and resisted.  I did not know what my future held.  I did not know what God was preparing me for, but for whatever reason I had in MY head of why I needed to go, I finally went.  Some people may ask why a Bible study is so important.  Part of it is the fellowship.  Those ladies have carried me through some pretty emotional times, but the biggest thing it has done for me has opened up the Bible for me.  It is how God speaks to us. I could have started the why me's, but he was already telling me before I could get there.

This verse just kept popping up.  I knew it applied to my life, but I still wasn't sure what I was lacking.  The funny thing is, when you ask God something, he generally finds a way to answer that question.  God knows how to speak to us in exactly a way that we will understand.  God knows I understand Mean Girls.

Miss Caroline craft seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows and her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday school teacher and she had some 99 cent lip gloss on her snaggle tooth. And that's when I realized, making fun of Caroline Craft wouldn't stop her from beating me. Calling somebody fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't making you any smarter. Ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

I had become a mean girl in my own right because I was so unhappy in my life and didn't have a reason why.  God used Mean Girls again when he told me I needed to suck the poison out of my life.  I had to make some hard phone calls, have some not fun conversations with people I had hurt and who had hurt me.  I had to let go of all that bitterness I was carrying around because I didn't want to live life as a mean girl anymore.  I wanted to be Becky again.

I don't know if prior to this I had all that much character that was worth having.  When you go through a major trial, there is no room for pride.  With my pride stripped away, I was finally able to see my potential.  Who I could be if I let someone else lead the way.  Some days it is very hard to know that my future isn't in my hands.  There is so much safety in the known, no matter how bad it might be for you.  I chose to step away from my safety net and learned to be ok with not knowing where I'm headed.

Yes, I'm in the hallway right now.  But each day that new door is getting closer and someday I will get to walk through it and it is going to be so much more amazing than I could have ever imagined.  Going through divorce is far from fun.  It is far from easy.  It is so easy to compare yourself to Job some days when everything seems to be so wrong and so hard.

Then I realize the greater blessings are coming.  I have my life back.  And a life with God is far more precious than that former life with my pride.

Insecure much?

I don't know very many people who wouldn't say at some point in their life they have felt insecure.  Insecure about looks, job, social standing, talents, abilities, the list goes on and on.

It can start with something as small as a little comment.  As a junior in college, I was approached by the mother of a girl I had gone to school with.  Her comment upon realizing who I was, "Oh my.  You finally started to get pretty!"  I was not prepared to react to that other than a wide open jaw and a stammered, "Thanks?"

Now, my insecurities started long before this comment, but it didn't help the situation.  Our tongues can be so harsh without us realizing it.  "You're going to wear that?"  "But your hair looks so nice when you wear it that other way" "You're going to leave the house without make up?  Seriously?"  We are so hard on ourselves.  We internalize these things and as they bounce around inside our heads, they gain speed and cause destruction.

I thought losing weight would make me love myself more.  If I could just sing better I'd like myself a little better.  If I was just a little bit more artistic I would be more satisfied with who I was.  If I had cheekbones I could actually learn to appreciate my looks.

That's all a bunch of lies.  I have to love who I am on the inside (as cheesy as it sounds...).  My heart needs to be beautiful and the rest will follow.

When I tear myself down,  it is an insult to my maker.  I am perfect in His eyes.  Sometimes that can still be a hard pill to swallow.  Especially on those days when you wake up with a fresh zit on your chin, your bangs did some kind of gymnastics in the night and will now be untameable despite your arsenal of hair products and styling tools, all your clothes decided to change shape just by hanging in your closet, and you just want to pull the covers back over your head.

God gave me what he gave me because that's what I needed.  What I am meant to do in this world is all possible because of who I am already.  Instead of wishing I looked a certain way or could do something better, I should be thankful for what I already have been given.  Once I started being ok with myself, loving who I was on the inside, I began to appreciate people who possess what I don't have with a more loving heart.  My friends who can sing like they belong with a record deal?  I spend my time listening to them grateful to be able to do so rather than being sour grapes because I'm so so.  Someone else is more fashionable than me? Use them as inspiration to figure out new ways to wear things I already have.  No clue how to style my hair to make it look like I barely put any effort into it? Just be grateful I'm able to have a head full of hair at all.  Wish I had better cheekbones?  At least my nose is pretty awesome.

All this doesn't mean it's ok to not try to improve yourself either.  If putting on a little make up makes me feel better about myself? It's ok.  As long as I'm not putting on full face to mow the lawn.  Want to try out a new hair color? Sure.  Take voice lessons to get the most out of your vocalizer? I wish I had the courage.  Your weight dragging you down (literally and figuratively?  God wants us to be healthy - bust out the Richard Simmons!

Just know that instead of wanting more, needing more to be happy and feeling inadequate because of it will lead to an unfulfilled life.  Work on your heart first and the rest with follow when it is most beneficial to you and your purpose.