A Different Kind of Christmas

Let's face it, this Christmas season has felt a little off kilter.  It's so easy to be distracted by all those things about Christmas that can weigh us down- shopping, decorations, baking, visiting friends and family.  This year my ability to buy any sort of presents is pretty non-existent, all my decorations are hanging out in a storage unit, and I'm letting my mom handle the baking of the Christmas goodies.  Most of my friends are married or at least part of a couple and sometimes I feel like they walk on egg shells around me because of what this year has brought in terms of my love life.  With everything so different this year, I kind of felt like I belonged on the island of misfit toys.  With all the earthly things about Christmas stripped away, this year, I'm trying harder to focus on the true reason for this holiday.  God loves the misfits.

I'm learning to be ok with being a misfit.  My reward isn't here on earth.  It isn't about me and what I get/have.  Sometimes I get so stuck on what I'm without, that I forget how much He has already given me and things could probably be a lot worse.  While I would still like a second shot at happily married, a chance to go overboard on the Christmas decorations and gift shopping, and so on and so on, I know it is in His good timing.  This whole following someone else's plan thing.  Building trust in the unseen.  Letting go of the worries and doubts.

I have a lot to be joyful about, I just need to remember to be grateful for it all- no matter how small it may seem.  And, I figure that Jesus was the ultimate misfit so I'm in good company.

Here's hoping you all the joy and hope that this Christmas season can bring!

3 Words

I've always been a stubborn person.  I get it from both sides of my family.  It's genetic.  My power to hold a grudge? Not one of my finest qualities.  Several months ago, God called me to apologize to some people that I didn't even realize I needed to apologize to.  I fought it for a few days, but he kept pushing it in my face.  After I did it, the weight that was lifted from my heart was amazing.  I realized I didn't need to hold onto grudges, I just needed to learn to apologize and move on.  I've become a lot more forthcoming with my "I'm sorry's" in recent months.

The kiddos at school love playing the game Sorry.  The devilish glee in their eyes when they draw a Sorry card is an indicator that they are anything BUT sorry that they are sending one of their game mates back to start.  The game should really be called Anti-Sorry.  But, the game does tell them exactly what they should be sorry for.  Sometimes we need a big blinking sign in front of our face when we are supposed to say sorry.  God telling me to apologize was my Sorry card.  Unlike the game, I had to mean what I said.

I thought I had a pretty good grasp on this offering forgiveness thing, but I realized I was missing a huge component.

Sometimes the hardest thing is to ask for forgiveness for yourself.  Saying those three words, "Please forgive me" can be so difficult.  It can feel selfish.  It can be embarrassing.  It can make you feel out of control because you don't know if forgiveness is on the other end.



I tend to over analyze things.  If I just would have done _____________ my marriage would have been better.  If I'd just been able to ______________________ I'd still be married.  I've spent a lot of time playing the blame myself game which has resulted in sleepless nights and a lot of anxiety.

One of my favorite books, Jesus is ______. by Judah Smith explains grace so beautifully.  We get so wrapped up in what we think we deserve that we forget what God has already given us.  Grace comes with no strings attached.  It's already been given.  One of the things that Judah writes that changed how I think was that there is nothing I can do to make God love me any less or any more than he already does.  He loves me unconditionally.  His grace is there - I just have to accept it.

I'm too hard on myself and that needs to stop.  I need to remember that instead of beating myself up over things, I need to ask for forgiveness and bask in his grace.  Accepting his grace can only strengthen our faith and relationship with the Lord.  When we realize he just wants what's best for us, we need only ask, our worries will vanish.  Our hearts will feel whole again.  We have to get over the idea that asking for forgiveness makes us weak or selfish.  He wants to give it!

This is a lesson I am still learning.  That I still struggle with on a daily basis.  Because it relies solely on me, it can be hard.  But, I can say I never regret asking for forgiveness.  From God.  From my friends.  From my family.  Sometimes even strangers.  If we all used "please forgive me" a little more, we'd be a little better off - don't you think?

A Time for Thanks

The holiday season is fast approaching.  It is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of Christmas due to all the decorations and music and shopping which start earlier and earlier each year, but I like to relish in the season of Thanksgiving as well.  It is my favorite holiday.  No worrying about the perfect decor.  No need to buy gifts.  Just food and family.  And giving thanks.
2013 hasn't been my favorite year, but I do not want to forget all the things that I have to be thankful for even in the hardest times of my life.  I may be a little worn and need a fresh start, but I want to remember all the joy.

My Family
They have been my rock.  My literal and figurative shoulder to cry on.  A resource of endless encouragement and love.  My morning grandma advice sessions, afternoon chit chats with pops, the random check-in calls from my brother, and ability to call my mom whenever and wherever I need to.  They have supported me along this journey in every way imaginable and continue to push me to be the best version of myself possible.

My Friends
From friends who I've known my whole life to friends who are a little more recently made, I have had a support network that spans long distances and many age groups.  I appreciate their wisdom, their random emails/texts/phone calls/visits that let me know how much they care and want what's best for me and my future.

My Besties
Stephanie was there for me before he fully made it out the door.  She has seen me at my worse.  My ugly cries (oh yes - I can cry REAL ugly).  My sleepless nights.  My moments of complete fear.  She's been there for them all and still loves me and continues to push me to be better.  Katrina has been a fount of advice and timely laughter.  Even so far away, she is one of my nearest and dearest.  If friends can be soul-mates, she's it.

My Bible Study
These ladies didn't know me from Adam until 4 days before my world fell apart.  And they have been there for me ever since.  The friendships I have gained by joining this group are priceless.  Having a network of Godly women who listen to your prayer requests and encourage you spiritually is something I never knew I would need, but I am so glad to have them now.  They send me messages of encouragement just when I seem to need them most.  They also know how to gently steer me in the right direction whenever I get off the path.

My Home
Having to leave behind the house I so carefully plotted and planned for.  So meticulously decorated.  The house I actually put physical and manual labor into because I cared about it.  Well, it was hard.  It was my home and even though I was only in it a year, I'd become attached.  I was so fearful of finding somewhere to live where I felt as comfortable.  God has provided for me a home that comes with an amazing family and I am blessed by them daily.  I never knew I could love little kids so much!  I enjoy their fellowship and our growing friendship.  I will be eternally grateful to them for opening their home to a complete stranger and making me feel more than welcome.

My Job
I have never dreaded going to work.  I may have not wanted to get up for the sake of not wanting to climb out of my warm cozy bed, but never because I couldn't face walking through the doors and performing my duties as a teacher.  I love my job.  I love love love my co-workers.  I love my kiddos.  I couldn't ask for a better job or place to work.
There are countless other things I have to be grateful for, but these are at the top of my list right now.  I hope you enjoy this next week and find time to reflect on all you have to be thankful for!

At the Well

Through this whole divorce process, one of the things I seem to get hung up on the most is how people will perceive me.  The majority of people who hear I went through a divorce are supportive and offer kind words, but there will always be the people who choose to look at me differently or judge my situation.  Most people don't ask the reasons and it isn't information I offer up to just anybody.  Therefore, there are going to be people who believe what they want to believe.  Think what they want to think.  Things will be misunderstood.  It bugs me.  Sometimes I worry how it can affect my future carrying around the divorced label.

This week in my Bible study, we are reading John 4.  I did not expect to have an emotional breakdown in Target while on the phone to my mom relaying how this passage so hit me square in the heart.

Here's a woman going about her daily business.  A stranger approaches her and knows her life story.  The ugly truth of her love life.  It's a mess.  Definitely a bigger mess than my situation.  He spoke to her and she believed and he used her to spread the news.

He used her.  She had 5 marriages.  And a guy on the side.  And he didn't judge her.  He used to her further his kingdom, all because she believed.

Instead of focusing on what other people are going to think (and are those people whose opinion I should give any weight to in the first place?), I want to focus on the story God has given me to share.  A story that starts out as a bit of a downer, but turns into a story of redemption and grace.  A story I never thought I'd be able to tell, but one that I know is going to strengthen my testimony.  The people in John 4 believed that Christ had come because she had witnessed him speaking truths to her only the Messiah could know.  I've gone through the wringer and learned some truths of my own.

I think people, as a whole, get pretty wrapped up in the judging/being judged trap.

God has forgiven me the mistakes I've made.  I need to stop judging myself.  I need to turn away from all the negative self talk that leads to worry and focus on the future story that he is writing for me right this minute.  He is taking my weaknesses and turning them into my strengths.

I'm stepping up to the well.

Be Still

I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but I don't like surprises.  If I'm watching a movie or a show with someone who I know has seen it, I will beg them to tell me how it ends.  Going to a movie? I'll check to see if there is a spoiler online to make sure I'm going to like it.  New book? You bet I read the last page or two first thing.  I want to know how things end.  I want to know they're ok.  I want to know I'm going to like it.

There's no spoiler site online for life.  We don't get to know the future.  We don't get to know how our story ends.

It frustrates me.

It can make me anxious.

It's hard to believe that my future is out of my control.

It is in our nature to plan.  To want to figure things out.  But God's plan is for us to be still.  Let him take the reigns.

This is not a call to inaction.  It doesn't mean I get to sit in bed all day eating oreos and watching Parenthood (although that sure does sound nice sometimes).  I'm still responsible for what I do.  I still have a job.  Responsibilities.  Life here on earth takes effort and he doesn't expect us to leave all the hard work to him.  But, when I'm worrying about things...be still.  When I have no clue what my future holds and a panic attack is coming on...be still.  When all my plans fall apart and things start spinning...be still.

He already knows the outcome.

He already knows the ending.

And the million steps in between that will get me there.

Just be still.

Monday Encouragement

Some days you just need to start off with a little extra encouragement.

At Least it Wasn't a Whale

Sometimes, God asks us to do things we don't really want to do.  No, he doesn't ask me to clean my room or do the dishes.  He doesn't call me up and say, "Hey Becky, can you make dinner reservations for 8:00?"  When God asks me to do something, it's a little niggling feeling in my heart.  Sometimes it is something I'm fully prepared to jump on board with.  Other times, I turn my back and kind of hope it just goes away.  Which is rare.  God is persistent.  With a capital P.  In my Bible study, we are studying Jonah and when my Bible study leader asked if anyone had anything they were running from, I just sat there and thought, nope - not me.  I mean seriously, I have been pretty transparent about my life situation so it wasn't like I felt the need to hide something.  But, when I got home....there was that little feeling.  Why yes Becky.  You have been running from something.  I've asked you to pray for someone and you haven't been doing it.

Now, this may not seem like that hard of a task.  But, for me, praying for this person seemed impossible.  I laid in bed unable to sleep and finally I kind of did the ok you win thing and started praying.  Within minutes I was in the midst of an anxiety attack, was crying my eyes out because I missed my house (which is really weird since I LOVE where I am living), and I ended up getting no sleep that night and woke up with the start of a migraine.

That's how I knew I was supposed to have been praying for this person all along, because the devil sure didn't want me to be doing it now.  I felt attacked and worn and completely battered for having followed God's directions.  It felt like the devil was going to throw everything at me to keep me from wanting to continue praying for this person, even though it was obvious God wanted me to.

Going to work the next day, I felt like I'd been swallowed by a whale a spit back out - I especially like how my Bible version says "And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land."  Paints a pretty picture, right?  It felt like a day where I would be just scraping through until I could go home and crawl into bed.  The song, "Worn," was playing on repeat in my head and the day hadn't even fully begun.

That morning, I received a really uplifting message from a friend I hadn't heard from in quite some time.  My math group that I just hadn't been able to get a hang of all year, worked like clockwork.  The weather cooperated for an enjoyable recess duty.  I received a message that I didn't have to worry about dinner.  I ended up with an afternoon break when I don't normally get one.  Sure, I felt like I'd done battle the night before, but God was there picking up the pieces and getting me through.  Showing he's faithful.  Showing me that having  a little faith in his plans, even the ones I don't want to follow, result in blessings.  By the end of the day, I had a new song in my head.

Lessons from a 3 year old

5 Months ago I posted a picture to my Instagram while I was out for a run.  Anyone who knows me would say, "so what?"  I post lots of pictures to Instagram.  This picture was a little different.

I captioned it "Sometimes you have to run through the storm."  I didn't know that 10 minutes after I took this picture, my world would collapse.  It wasn't just a storm, but a flood.  There were times it left me on the floor, crying, in pain, and feeling extremely lost.  I stopped running.  All my physical strength was gone.  My emotional strength wasn't so great either.  But, my spiritual strength was getting a kick in the pants and the jump start it needed.

This summer was the hardest summer of my life, but for the first time I learned how to go through those hard times leaning on God.  I didn't have the strength to rely on myself.

I'm pretty sure God could care less how many physical miles I can run (and let's face it, he really isn't going to be impressed with MY mileage).  Running used to be a way of escape.  A time to turn off.  God wanted me to turn on.  Run to him.   Slowly, my strength returned.  Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.  I've started running again, but it has a much better purpose than it had in the past.

A season of my life is over.  The past couple weeks have been really hard.  I've moved.  Signed papers I never thought I'd have to sign.  But God is still faithful and so very present.  The flood waters are starting to recede.

A friend introduced me to a song early on in the summer and it kind of became my go to when I just needed a moment.





Now, you are probably starting to wonder where the 3 year old comes in at this point.  This week there has been a great debate in the house.  3 year old asked the question, "Would you rather be able to fly or walk on water?"  Naturally, all the adults in the house chose being able to fly.  The 3 year old could not be swayed to change his decision of being able to walk on water.  He didn't necessarily have a reason for why he chose walking on water, he just knew that was his choice and he was sticking to it.

I've started running again.  I almost skipped my run tonight because I had a really off day and my heart was feeling really heavy for some people I really love.  Normally I take my iPod which has a pre-planned running playlist on it. Tonight I took my iPhone and let it play at will.  Oceans came on and during the bridge I couldn't help but laugh.

Hey 3 year old, is it too late to change my answer?

How divorce saved my life

This season of my life was never included in MY plans.  You don't get married thinking well this will be great for X amount of years and then move on to the next thing.  I do not take what is happening in my life lightly at all.  But, God doesn't love when a person is prideful.  Or boastful.  And he certainly doesn't like it when we turn our backs on him and place things in our life before him.  I was full of myself with little room left for him.

Then my marriage was gone.

I would have been so easy to start asking WHY ME?  But God knew this was going to happen.  That it needed to happen.  Four days before my world fell apart, he gave me a Bible study group.  I had been asked to join at least half a dozen time by my best friend and resisted.  I did not know what my future held.  I did not know what God was preparing me for, but for whatever reason I had in MY head of why I needed to go, I finally went.  Some people may ask why a Bible study is so important.  Part of it is the fellowship.  Those ladies have carried me through some pretty emotional times, but the biggest thing it has done for me has opened up the Bible for me.  It is how God speaks to us. I could have started the why me's, but he was already telling me before I could get there.

This verse just kept popping up.  I knew it applied to my life, but I still wasn't sure what I was lacking.  The funny thing is, when you ask God something, he generally finds a way to answer that question.  God knows how to speak to us in exactly a way that we will understand.  God knows I understand Mean Girls.

Miss Caroline craft seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows and her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday school teacher and she had some 99 cent lip gloss on her snaggle tooth. And that's when I realized, making fun of Caroline Craft wouldn't stop her from beating me. Calling somebody fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't making you any smarter. Ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

I had become a mean girl in my own right because I was so unhappy in my life and didn't have a reason why.  God used Mean Girls again when he told me I needed to suck the poison out of my life.  I had to make some hard phone calls, have some not fun conversations with people I had hurt and who had hurt me.  I had to let go of all that bitterness I was carrying around because I didn't want to live life as a mean girl anymore.  I wanted to be Becky again.

I don't know if prior to this I had all that much character that was worth having.  When you go through a major trial, there is no room for pride.  With my pride stripped away, I was finally able to see my potential.  Who I could be if I let someone else lead the way.  Some days it is very hard to know that my future isn't in my hands.  There is so much safety in the known, no matter how bad it might be for you.  I chose to step away from my safety net and learned to be ok with not knowing where I'm headed.

Yes, I'm in the hallway right now.  But each day that new door is getting closer and someday I will get to walk through it and it is going to be so much more amazing than I could have ever imagined.  Going through divorce is far from fun.  It is far from easy.  It is so easy to compare yourself to Job some days when everything seems to be so wrong and so hard.

Then I realize the greater blessings are coming.  I have my life back.  And a life with God is far more precious than that former life with my pride.

Insecure much?

I don't know very many people who wouldn't say at some point in their life they have felt insecure.  Insecure about looks, job, social standing, talents, abilities, the list goes on and on.

It can start with something as small as a little comment.  As a junior in college, I was approached by the mother of a girl I had gone to school with.  Her comment upon realizing who I was, "Oh my.  You finally started to get pretty!"  I was not prepared to react to that other than a wide open jaw and a stammered, "Thanks?"

Now, my insecurities started long before this comment, but it didn't help the situation.  Our tongues can be so harsh without us realizing it.  "You're going to wear that?"  "But your hair looks so nice when you wear it that other way" "You're going to leave the house without make up?  Seriously?"  We are so hard on ourselves.  We internalize these things and as they bounce around inside our heads, they gain speed and cause destruction.

I thought losing weight would make me love myself more.  If I could just sing better I'd like myself a little better.  If I was just a little bit more artistic I would be more satisfied with who I was.  If I had cheekbones I could actually learn to appreciate my looks.

That's all a bunch of lies.  I have to love who I am on the inside (as cheesy as it sounds...).  My heart needs to be beautiful and the rest will follow.

When I tear myself down,  it is an insult to my maker.  I am perfect in His eyes.  Sometimes that can still be a hard pill to swallow.  Especially on those days when you wake up with a fresh zit on your chin, your bangs did some kind of gymnastics in the night and will now be untameable despite your arsenal of hair products and styling tools, all your clothes decided to change shape just by hanging in your closet, and you just want to pull the covers back over your head.

God gave me what he gave me because that's what I needed.  What I am meant to do in this world is all possible because of who I am already.  Instead of wishing I looked a certain way or could do something better, I should be thankful for what I already have been given.  Once I started being ok with myself, loving who I was on the inside, I began to appreciate people who possess what I don't have with a more loving heart.  My friends who can sing like they belong with a record deal?  I spend my time listening to them grateful to be able to do so rather than being sour grapes because I'm so so.  Someone else is more fashionable than me? Use them as inspiration to figure out new ways to wear things I already have.  No clue how to style my hair to make it look like I barely put any effort into it? Just be grateful I'm able to have a head full of hair at all.  Wish I had better cheekbones?  At least my nose is pretty awesome.

All this doesn't mean it's ok to not try to improve yourself either.  If putting on a little make up makes me feel better about myself? It's ok.  As long as I'm not putting on full face to mow the lawn.  Want to try out a new hair color? Sure.  Take voice lessons to get the most out of your vocalizer? I wish I had the courage.  Your weight dragging you down (literally and figuratively?  God wants us to be healthy - bust out the Richard Simmons!

Just know that instead of wanting more, needing more to be happy and feeling inadequate because of it will lead to an unfulfilled life.  Work on your heart first and the rest with follow when it is most beneficial to you and your purpose.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Count it all joy.  Count it ALL joy.  Count it ALL JOY.

When your world falls apart, count it all joy.

When life is overflowing with lemons, count it all joy.

When you have no clue what your future holds (which is mildly terrifying), count it all joy!

This season of my life has been less than ideal.  Old Becky would have crashed and burned by now.  I am a worrier and a stresser.  I have never had more panic/anxiety attacks in my life as I've had the last few months.  Life gets real when you least expect it.  But I'm not supposed to worry.

Humans naturally want to be in control.  I want to be in control.  I am learning that I am really not even in close to being in control.  God has our path laid out for us and he will let us experience each twist and turn when it will benefit us the most.

I'm starting to get it.  His words are clicking into place far more than they ever have before.  I've had people who didn't even know that my life was in a spiral tell me how joyful and positive I've become.  He lets us know we're on the right path when we need it the most.  Because even in the midst of all this not great stuff in my life?  There is a whole lot of joy.  So much to be thankful for.  So much good.

If we live according to his plan, we let him be in control, we let go of the worries and doubts life is so much easier.  Nothing is so hard in this life that I can't conquer without God.  I just have to be willing to accept his help.  I have to realize that God is bigger than my worries.  He's bigger than my problems.  He doesn't want me to doubt his plan.  He wants my faith to be genuine and sure.

Bring it on future.

And the locusts came...

It started with my self worth.

Then they came for my marriage.

My financial security.

My home.

When the locusts come through, you have no idea what they will devour.

You begin to believe there will be nothing left.  And some days it sure feels like it.

I had gotten so comfortable living in the world that I forgot who was in charge.  It sure wasn't me.  My faith was a shamble.  Something I hid behind when it was convenient.

That's not what God wanted for my life.

At all.

I wish he didn't know I had to hit rock bottom to really figure things out. But, he knew what it would take for me to re-enter the fold.

I know some people don't get it. But then I tell them, "How else am I surviving this without crying on the couch every night?  Sending hateful messages to those who have hurt me? Not wanting any sort of revenge. Not being consumed by anger or the why me's. Going to work each day. Smiling. Living. Breathing."

I'm learning what grace really means.  And it's really good guys.  Really truly wonderfully good.

There is no turning back.  I was not meant to live life as the person I used to be.  Every day isn't easy.  Every day isn't sunshine and roses.  There are a lot of tears.  There's a lot of hurt.  But, there is more joy.  More healing than I could have ever expected.

It's going to be a while before life feels "normal" and I know now that I have to put in the effort.  Faith is a partnership.  The good thing is, I'm not the one calling the shots (scary at time- yes, but let's face it, I hate planning).  And those plans are going to be really good. Really really good.

To New Beginnings

A fresh start means a new space to write.  No pressure.  No expectations.  Here's to my new beginning!