Dear Nat and Livy,

I've waffled on what I was going to nickname you - Via and Lia? Livy and Lia? Nat and Livy just seems right.

You are going to be entering this world  any day now.  I am beyond excited to meet you.  I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've prayed for you.  You are already so so very loved.

You are about to join this family and I want you to know how special they are.

Your great-grandmas.  They are both a little nuts, but in the best ways possible. They both have kid tested and approved laps.  Neither of them carries a tune so great, but that won't matter.  Their lullabies are some of my most cherished memories.  They are both so ecstatic to get to be around to meet you. They've both been trying to figure out if they can handle holding 2 babies at once (and luckily they both realize their capabilities won't let them- we don't need dropped babies!)

Your grandparents.  They are going to be great grandparents.  Your pops is kind of quiet, but has the biggest heart in the world.  If you turn out emotional, it comes from him.  I sure did, but it isn't all bad.  It just means you have all the feels!  He is sweet and caring and already loves you so so much.  He will take 8 million pictures of you and put most of them into frames to show off to everybody.  He will ask you to pull his finger waaaaaay to much and find it hilarious every time.  He gives really good hugs.  And is an amazing listener.  Your nana is fiercely loyal to her family.  She will love and support you.  She is an AMAZING cook and baker.  There will never be a shortage of cookies in her cookie jar once you are able to eat them.  She will read you a million stories.  Her patience with children is to be admired and you will benefit greatly from that.

Your dad.  He's the best big brother I could ever ask for.  He's going to spoil you rotten.  You are going to steal his heart.  He will be over protective - I can't wait to see what happens the first time you bring someone home to meet him!  I've told him he has to let you be girly if you want to be, but he's pretty set on you being football players ;)

Your mom.  I haven't known her as long as the rest of this bunch, but I love her like a sister.  She's able to put up with my brother so that's saying a lot (haha).  She is kind and supportive.  She can handle the rest of us which also says a lot!  She's done a good job baking you, but out of all of us, she is definitely the most ready for you to be here!

Your aunt.  She is a little crazy.  But in a fun way.  She is creative and quirky.  She is beyond ready to be an aunt.  She isn't a baby person, but somehow that just might change once she meets the two of you.  She will teach you about glitter and rainbows, but she will also encourage you to play in the dirt.

Your extended family:  There is a lot of them.  Nana will try to teach you all of them, but it's a losing battle.  I can't even keep them all straight.  But it is a fun bunch.  You'll like them.

We are so blessed to get to have you joining our family so soon (but not too soon- bake a few more weeks if you can!).  Our family has experienced a lot of growth in the past year in terms of building our relationships, but now we are so ready for the fun growth of adding babies to the mix!  We are dedicated to helping you grow and learn and helping you be the most amazing little girls you can be.

Welcome to the family.  You are loved.

God's Timing. Not my own.

Having anxiety is not fun.  The devil knows how to get in the cracks the second you let down your guard just the tiniest bit.  You're worn out.  Have a lot of plates spinning.  And he attacks.  Suddenly, things you weren't worrying about loom in front of you like mountains.  Any doubt you had in the back of your mind is suddenly brought to the forefront.  Things you never even thought to worry about seem like the biggest deal in the world.  I'm not an anxiety expert.  Far from it.  But, I do know reaching out and asking for help is the first step to getting me back into my normal.

Some of my best talks with God have come at my lowest moments.  We're talking face down in the carpet sobbing get real talks.  He's proven to me time and time again that he's in control and his plan is beautiful.  But still, I have those moments of doubt and worry and they just turn into a spiral of panic attacks and sleepless nights.  The more I try to cling to control, the worse the anxiety becomes.  The larger the worries grow.

Little by little, I'm learning to turn control back over to God.  My anxiety attacks are fewer and farther between.  While I have learned that God always answers prayers in his timing, it is also good to have an earthly support system.  In the midst of a recent panic attack, my insecurities were getting the best of me.  I reached out to a dear friend and asked for prayer.  She has prayed for me so much over the past year and I've even seen her prayers for me answered.  Sometimes God speaks to us through our friends.  He sends us reminders that we sometimes need multiple times.  Her words hit home and I immediately started to feel the release of everything I had been holding in.

I had a very timely reminder of how it's his timing not my own recently.  At the beginning of the school year, I had a new driving route to school.  My old route took me past QT in the mornings and now I was going to be going past Casey's.  I stop probably 3-4 times a week whether it's to get something to drink or grab breakfast.  There was an older woman working at the register and she always had a scowl on her face.  Old Becky would have just assumed she was a grouch and chosen to be annoyed by her grouchiness. Improved Becky made it her goal to make this lady smile.  I had NO clue how to accomplish this.

This plan started back in October and I would discuss it during my morning chats with Grams.  Why wasn't she smiling?  How do I reach out to a perfect stranger?!  Christmas came and went and no luck.  I figured it was an insurmountable task.

Then, one random Monday morning in April, it snowed.  Lady was grumbling about the weather as I checked out and I replied, "Mother Nature needs an anti-depressant."  Lady not only smiled, but she full on laughed!  I figured mission was accomplished.  I shared my success with Grams and she was just about as excited as I was.

The next week, I was alone in the store getting my Dr. Pepper and she came out from the counter and we had a little chat.  She's got several grandchildren.  A couple weeks later I was still talking to Grams as I was checking out so I apologized to the lady, "So sorry, if I don't call my Grams in the morning, she gets worried."  She smiled and replied, "Grandmas are special that way."  All the while I've been updating Grams on all of this.

This past Friday was Grams' birthday.  As I was checking out, the lady asked, "how's your grandma?"  I was stunned.  I replied, "It's her 88th birthday today!"

"Well happy birthday to your grandma!"

I called Grams back and shared her birthday wishes from an unlikely source and we were both just stunned how this story had turned out.  It had far exceeded my original goal of simply making her smile.  Now she was making ME smile.  And Grams, too!

It's God's timing.  Not my own.

If you're happy and you know it...

A co-worker brought this book in at the beginning of the year.  It's fun to pull out when we're having a rough day or just have a few minutes of free time and need a chuckle.  Some of the things in the book are completely absurd - conchologists anyone?  Some are the opposite of happy - stranded on a desert island?  And others, just bring a slow grin to your face the moment you read it - the first drops of rain on the roof.  The majority of them hold no meaning to me at all.  Whether because they are a regional happening or because I have never experienced them so can't say whether that is a happy thing or not.  I think some of those 14,000 things are simply in there to get to 14,000.  I set out to create my own list of happy, but at a much more realistic level.  I settled on 100.  I wouldn't have to be reaching to find things, but I would have to make sure that each and every thing that made it on the list really counted.

1.  1st day of green grass  2.  cloud shapes   3. wombats   4. blowing bubbles   5.  making a stranger laugh   6. old people's stories   7. brand new Ticonderoga Pencils   8. tiramisu   9. honey garlic pizza   10. night games at Kinnick   11. grilled pork chops   12. bonfires at the lake   13. fireworks   14. walking on crunchy leaves   15. grace   16. a new start   17. impromptu picnics   18. card games   19. new shampoo   20. buying used books   21. flower shopping    22. planting flowers   23. walking barefoot in the grass   24. swinging at the park   25. hot dogs and mac n cheese   26. baby bunnies  27. holding hands at the movies   28. Snookie's   29. movie days in bed   30. dancing with a baby   31. big brothers   32. snail mail   33. kitchen stores   34. snow days   35. fresh Dr. Pepper                  36. Twinky parties   37. family meals   38. rubbing a cat's belly   39. clean sheets   40. singing out loud   41. impromptu dance parties   42. vacuum chambers   43. playing piano   44. Honeycrisp apples   45. Alongsiders   46. PB+J+Cheetos   47. capybaras   48. amazing co-workers   49. your own bed after a long trip   50. rainy days when you can sleep in   51. the Iowa State Fair   52. London   53. a bunch of balloons   54. pink carnations   55. slippers   56. musicals   57. adventures   58. Zombie Burger   59. sandal weather   60. paper airplanes   61. BBQ   62. cooking with friends   63. prayers   64. happy tears   65. sleeping with the windows open   66. aha moments   67. boat rides   68. movie marathons   69. best friends  70. birds chirping in March   71. baby ducks   72. funnel cakes   73. pigeons   74. road trips   75. new friends  76.  old friends    77. wearing pj's all day   78. take-off   79. special deliveries   80. Thanksgiving   81. salvation   82. black magic cake   83. windows down/music turned up   84. the Iowa state law library   85. running in a rain storm   86. Toms   87. donuts   88. good hair days   89. eye-shadow palettes 90. Benjamin Lincoln   91.mix cd's  92. a good night's sleep   93. Vick's Vapo Rub   94. painted toe nails   95. leftovers that are better the 2nd day   96. polka dots   97. glitter and rainbows   98. quokkas   99. nature hikes               100. Victoria and Albert

What's your happy?

Tracks.

What is currently on my playlist (clearly I am a pyro with the amount of burn references)

Burning Gold - Christina Perri

When a Heart Breaks - Ben Rector

Life in Color - OneRepublic

Touching the Ground - Brandi Carlile

Below My Feet - Mumford and Sons

Burn - Ellie Goulding

By the Grace of God - Katy Perry

Fantasy - MS MR

The Fault in Our Stars - Troye Sivan

I Don't Wanna Break - Christina Perri

Story of My Life - One Direction

Burning Bridges - OneDirection

Happy - Pharrell

Pride and Joy - Brandi Carlile

I Will Follow You - Rivvrs

The Words - Christina Perri

What's on yours?

Let it Go.

The no make up selfie trend has been sweeping Facebook.  I decided not to participate.  Not because I have anything against not wearing make up, but because of this.  Now, I do love make up more than the average bear.  Not because my confidence relies on it, but because I truly just love make up.  It is fun and creative and pretty.  But, some days I just don't feel like it.  Today was one of those days.  This is me in all my no make up glory.  Fluorescent school lighting.  Bad hair day.  Breaking out like a hormonal teenager.  Haven't seen a good dose of sunshine for months.  And that's ok.

Is this the easiest photo to share with the world? Nope.  But why do we try to hide who we are so much?  There is so much we take the time to hide from others, but we can't hide those things from God.  He already knows all our nooks and crannies.  The thigs we don't want to share.  The hurts.  The bad thoughts.  The worries.  The doubts.  The fears.

Lay them before God- he wants to share in and relieve our burdens.  He wants us to show we need him!  I love the line "our God is jealous for his own."

Once we become transparent with God, it flowers over to our every day lives.  Be willing to ask for help from your friends and family.  They too want to relieve your burdens and help you through the hard times.  Sometimes it is so hard to let people in and admit you are struggling, but your load is so much lighter when you have people helping to lift you up.    Granted, in this day and age of social media it is easy to over share and turn it into a pity party.  Reach out to people in real life.  Those people who don't hesitate to pray for you.  Help you.  Build you up.

Being transparent to others and with God opens a lot of doors.  People who see your hurts and struggles will come to you when they need help.  Other people who are going through a similar trial may see you as a beacon.  Showing people you are real is so important.  I want my faith to be about who I am- inside and out.  I want people to see that I am different.  That I act different.  React different.  And that that is a good thing.

You just have to let it go. (no I am not going to insert the song everyone has recently come to know and love right here).

God knows why I am going through a certain trial or struggle.  Why do I sometimes hesitate to ask for his help?  He has the perfect solution that he will reveal in his perfect timing.  He already knew it was going to happen.  I just have to admit I need the help.

I can come before God.  Flaws and all.  At any time.  Any where.  And that is pretty amazing!  And the zits and the bad lighting and the wonky bangs?  He doesn't care one bit.



P.S. Let it Go started playing just as I went to hit publish. Awesome!

I'm Sure

This is the trademark phrase of the Johnson family.  If you spend any amount of time around them, you pick it up into your daily vocab as well.  If you watch Duck Dynasty, you know that for Uncle Si, hey can mean all matter of things.  I'm sure is like that for the Johnsons.  I find myself using it more than I care to admit, but when it comes down to it...it isn't the worst phrase to be in the habit of saying.  While it is usually used in a joking or sarcastic manner, I also want people to know what I'm really sure of.

I'm sure that God exists.

Even though I've never seen him, I know he's there.  I don't believe in luck or coincidences that much for it to be a fluke all the time my prayers have been answered or just how perfectly they've been answered.

I'm sure that God sent his son to cover my sins.

This whole understanding grace thing is fairly new to me, but man...once you get it...it's pretty amazing.  Someone sacrificed themselves to cover all my mistakes and bad decisions.

I'm sure that faith is a decision.

One that includes humbling yourself and letting go of all the skeletons in your closet.  But, once you do...it's literally like being given a whole new life.  A life you couldn't imagine would be so amazing.  So perfectly designed for you.

I'm sure that it is never too late to believe.  To be accepted into this wonderful family.

Whether you are 8....or 88.

I'm full of it....(joy that is)

I spoke at a local young adults group this past weekend and they recorded it.  To hear me tell my story of finding grace in all of its awkwardness, check it out here!