God's Timing. Not my own.

Having anxiety is not fun.  The devil knows how to get in the cracks the second you let down your guard just the tiniest bit.  You're worn out.  Have a lot of plates spinning.  And he attacks.  Suddenly, things you weren't worrying about loom in front of you like mountains.  Any doubt you had in the back of your mind is suddenly brought to the forefront.  Things you never even thought to worry about seem like the biggest deal in the world.  I'm not an anxiety expert.  Far from it.  But, I do know reaching out and asking for help is the first step to getting me back into my normal.

Some of my best talks with God have come at my lowest moments.  We're talking face down in the carpet sobbing get real talks.  He's proven to me time and time again that he's in control and his plan is beautiful.  But still, I have those moments of doubt and worry and they just turn into a spiral of panic attacks and sleepless nights.  The more I try to cling to control, the worse the anxiety becomes.  The larger the worries grow.

Little by little, I'm learning to turn control back over to God.  My anxiety attacks are fewer and farther between.  While I have learned that God always answers prayers in his timing, it is also good to have an earthly support system.  In the midst of a recent panic attack, my insecurities were getting the best of me.  I reached out to a dear friend and asked for prayer.  She has prayed for me so much over the past year and I've even seen her prayers for me answered.  Sometimes God speaks to us through our friends.  He sends us reminders that we sometimes need multiple times.  Her words hit home and I immediately started to feel the release of everything I had been holding in.

I had a very timely reminder of how it's his timing not my own recently.  At the beginning of the school year, I had a new driving route to school.  My old route took me past QT in the mornings and now I was going to be going past Casey's.  I stop probably 3-4 times a week whether it's to get something to drink or grab breakfast.  There was an older woman working at the register and she always had a scowl on her face.  Old Becky would have just assumed she was a grouch and chosen to be annoyed by her grouchiness. Improved Becky made it her goal to make this lady smile.  I had NO clue how to accomplish this.

This plan started back in October and I would discuss it during my morning chats with Grams.  Why wasn't she smiling?  How do I reach out to a perfect stranger?!  Christmas came and went and no luck.  I figured it was an insurmountable task.

Then, one random Monday morning in April, it snowed.  Lady was grumbling about the weather as I checked out and I replied, "Mother Nature needs an anti-depressant."  Lady not only smiled, but she full on laughed!  I figured mission was accomplished.  I shared my success with Grams and she was just about as excited as I was.

The next week, I was alone in the store getting my Dr. Pepper and she came out from the counter and we had a little chat.  She's got several grandchildren.  A couple weeks later I was still talking to Grams as I was checking out so I apologized to the lady, "So sorry, if I don't call my Grams in the morning, she gets worried."  She smiled and replied, "Grandmas are special that way."  All the while I've been updating Grams on all of this.

This past Friday was Grams' birthday.  As I was checking out, the lady asked, "how's your grandma?"  I was stunned.  I replied, "It's her 88th birthday today!"

"Well happy birthday to your grandma!"

I called Grams back and shared her birthday wishes from an unlikely source and we were both just stunned how this story had turned out.  It had far exceeded my original goal of simply making her smile.  Now she was making ME smile.  And Grams, too!

It's God's timing.  Not my own.