I can recall the hardest day of my teaching career with remarkable clarity. I wasn't even fully a teacher yet - just halfway through my first student teaching placement. I had just taken attendance and was a little bummed because one of my favorite students was absent. A few of the students made snide comments about where she might be, but I chose to ignore them and get ready for the lesson. It was constitution day and I'm pretty passionate about that document. All of a sudden, one of the assistant principals were pulling me and the classroom teacher out of the classroom. The student who was absent? She had committed suicide the night before. I can't even begin to explain the helplessness I immediately felt. They weren't going to be announcing it to the students yet, but I had to return to my classroom if everything was ok and go on teaching. I was struck by feelings of - what could I have done? Did I miss signs? Had she tried to reach out to anyone? Could anyone have made a difference? I certainly had no idea what this student's faith life was like, but I knew all I could do was pray for peace and understanding. It was later found out that she didn't mean to truly kill herself, she just wanted to scare her family, but something went wrong and she actually died.
I hope I never have those feelings as a teacher again.
This story has a point. For the longest time, I believed it was ok to lead by example when it came to sharing my faith. I thought all I had to do was "act" like a Christian and that would be enough. I would even use the excuse that "I have a quiet faith." In reality I was scared. I was worried about the people who wouldn't want to listen or have anything to do with me after they found out that I was a Christian.
Over the course of the past year, I have come to recognize that God was potentially giving me a story that would make sharing my faith more accessible to people. People who felt lost or hurt or worried that whatever was in their past made them not good enough. It certainly wasn't the story I would have written for myself, but God has remained faithful and shown me how powerful our lowest moments can be. I do not have to walk around with any shame about where my life is, because I have given it fully over to the Lord.
I have had more opportunities to share God's love and his story with people in the last several months, than I ever did in my previous years of living. We are called to share his love and his gospel and I finally get it. I no longer worry about offending or having the wrong words. Because I've asked for strength and wisdom, he readily gives it to me.
Just this past week, I received news that a friend had suddenly passed away. While I don't know many details, I was immediately hit with those same feelings of hearing my student had passed away. While I am fairly sure I knew where this friend stood in her faith, I never outright asked her or took the time to fully learn her story. I know I cannot carry around guilt over this, but it was a wake up call that I need to seek out any and all opportunities to share my faith.
I no longer want to have a "quiet faith." I don't want people to know my standing with God by my actions alone. I no longer want to fear people's opinions of me when they learn I am a Christian. I want to stand proud and humble in my faith. To know God has given me his calling to spread the good news. So that I never have to wonder again where those I hold dear will be going when they someday pass away. I want to know I will leave this earth having done my best to further his kingdom.
And while this is all still new to me and a little out of my comfort zone, I can tell you - he will let you know just how far he is willing to stretch that comfort zone if it means just one person will come to know him. And I'm really ok with that.
